It was not a mutual breakup between my now ex boyfriend and myself. It was out of nowhere and it shattered me. After five years I thought we were unbreakable, that this ugly place we had been in was a rut. It would pass. It was something we would weather through. He was not in the same mindset. He had, in fact, been thinking of a way to end it for some time.
At first I didn’t except his termination. I thought there was no way this was ending. We fought for days over it. So much truth was exposed and a lot of horrible things were said. When it all settled and I was more on path with the new direction he and I would be going forward with that’s when my own truth started to surface. All these feelings I had bottled up deep down started to surface, feelings of loneliness, abandonment, bitterness.Feelings that I tried to push aside and ignore so that we could keep pushing forward.
I was in a mindset that this ugly place we were in was only temporary, that we would move past it and would be in sync again. The weeks that followed I felt so angry. All that enmity started to flow out of me. I kept thinking about all the times I downplayed myself and my intelligence to make him feel bigger. This isn’t something new, I always try to gage each situation and find an approach.
I wonder now how I let him have such an influence on me, it’s hard to explain, we were a melting pot. All of the good he had to offer was pushed inward due to past relationships, and the good that I could bring was pushed down by his anatropous past. I knew from the start it would not be something the two of us could sustain in a longterm manner but that didn’t stop me from pushing my agenda.
Together, as friends we were a perfect match. We pushed each other in our weakness’s, and became much better people while we were in the plastic bubble we lived in. All the secrets we shared stayed, we became this safe place for each other and the outside world seemed more of an afterthought, something to do while we were apart.
Life is never simple like this for long, and outside influences made their way into our bubble and started to infect it. It started off small but turned into an incurable virus that plagued us and eventually killed us.